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Periodic Table of the Hellements



The Periodic Table of the HellementsTM mini-poster presents, in bright cheery colors, 112 living things just waiting to cause you hell.

Hellements include viruses, bacteria, parasites, fungi, insects, plants, reptiles, mammals, aging, and -- sadly -- humans.
We can't show you the poster in all of its 11" by 17" glory, because the image is simply too large to download.

But we can show one hellement, with its symbol, number, illustration, and name.

The chart organizes Hellements according to biological complexity and by hellishness:

The Periodic Table of the Hellements comes in four versions
The Periodic Table of the Hellements is an especially fun gift, because you can tailor it to the recipient's politics!

Humans are a rich source of Hell to other humans. To reflect this, we offer four versions of the Hellements chart, differing only in the right-most column -- the "human" column.

Choose the version most closely matching your vision of Hell -- or get them all!

Human Hellements
for Conservatives
Jimmy Carter
Michael Moore
Nancy Pelosi
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Edward Kennedy
Hillary
Human Hellements
for Liberals
Bill Frist
Newt Gingrich
Karl Rove
Antonin Scalia
W
Dick
Human Hellements
for Misanthropes
Spouse (yelling woman shown)
Landlord
Televangelist
Venture capitalist
Crack addict
The humorless (bin Laden photo)
Medical Hellements
for Everyone
Presbyopia
Nocturia
Alveolar loss
Presbycusis
Cardiac and arterial thickening
Brain shrinkage
Example human hellement:

   

$8.99

$8.99

$7.99

$7.99

Hellements Present in All Versions
All posters include the following Hellements.

Caution: If you have recently lost someone to one of the hellements, it may be best to wait before ordering.

Virus Bio-Weapon I Bio-Weapon II Bacterium Parasite
Rhinovirus
Norovirus
West Nile virus
Rubella virus
Measles virus
Herpes simplex virus
SARS virus
Papillomavirus
HIV
Hepatitis B virus
Yellow fever virus
Rabies virus
Avian influenza H5N1 virus
Botulinum toxin
Ricin
Ebola virus
Smallpox virus
Marburg virus
Lassa virus
Rift Valley virus
Junin virus
Venezuelan equine encephalitis virus
Eastern equine encephalitis virus
Western equine encephalitis virus
Machupo virus
Monkey pox virus
St. Louis encephalitis virus
Japanese encephalitis virus
Murray Valley encephalitis virus
Russian spring summer encephalitis
Anthrax bacterium
Plague bacterium
Tularemia bacterium
Glanders bacterium
Brucellosis bacterium
Meliodosis bacterium
Shigella bacterium
Cholera bacterium
Q fever agent
Typhus agent
Psittacosis agent
Engineered anthrax
Engineered plague
Engineered tularemia
Engineered glanders
Gonorrhea bacterium
Lyme disease bacterium
Pneumococcus
Diphtheria bacterium
Syphilis bacterium
E. coli O157:H7
Meningococcus
Flesh-eating Strep. pyogenes bacterium
Legionnaire's bacterium
Typhoid bacterium
Methicillin resistant Staph. aureus
Tuberculosis bacterium
Giardia parasite
Tapeworm
Schistosomiasis parasite
Falciparum malaria
Fungus Arthropod Plant Aquatic, Reptile Mammal
Candida fungus
Cryptococcus fungus
Histoplasma fungus
Mucormycosis fungus
Bedbug
Flea
Louse
Scabies
Housefly
Wasp
Tsetse fly
Mosquito
Centipede
Tick
Reduviid bug
Killer bee
Brown recluse spider
Tarantula
Black widow
Scorpion
Poison ivy
Deadly nightshade
Hemlock
Death cap
Monkshood
Jellyfish
Stingray
Barracuda
Piranha
Great white shark
Dart frog
Gila monster
Rattlesnake
Cobra
Crocodile
Rat
Wild boar
Porcupine
Wolf
Skunk
Hyena
Wolverine
Lion
Hippopotamus
Grizzly bear


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